MAN: Hello, Beaver! Hi, Wally!
LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, there's Bert, the pie man!
WOMAN: Morning, Bert!
Hello, Mrs. Brown! How are you?
Great day, isn't it? Yep.
Have a good day, dear.
You, too, honey.
I'll get you for this, Beaver Cleaver!
(GROANS)
(EXCLAIMS)
(CAT MEOWS)
(WHISTLING)
Morning, Bert! Morning, Bert!
Morning, boys! Great day, isn't it?
(GASPS)
(GROANS)
Sorry, mister.
That was the first one I missed all day.
Huh!
Hey, Wally, stop, stop! Please!
There it is. That's the most beautiful thing I ever seen.
EDDIE: Well, golly, gee! It's Wally and the Beaver at the bike shop.
What do you want, Eddie Haskell?
The usual. See how fast I can make you cry.
Hey, knock it off, Eddie.
Why you always giving Beaver the business?
Well, basically because it's so easy.
Wally, I want that bike more than anything I ever wanted,
even superpowers.
Don't go cry to Wally.
You want advice on how to get a bike? Ask the Master.
How will I know when I see "the Master"?
Because he's wearing what I'm wearing.
Now, let's chat, squirt. Have a seat in my office.
Now, you want a bike, but you're a screwup.
Eddie.
Isn't this the same kid who lost his Nikes,
broke his Walkman and almost burned down the garage?
The garage wasn't Beaver's fault.
You got a birthday coming up.
As any normal kid knows, the way to score a cool present
is to suck up to your parents.
Suck up?
You know, it's so second nature to me, I forget others find it hard.
Yes, suck up.
Do something that'll make your old man proud.
He's a frustrated jock.
Why not do something like play football?
Football? He'll get demolished.
And as appealing as that may sound, Wallace, it doesn't matter.
The minute you get that bike, wham! You quit the team.
But I don't do junk like that, Eddie. You do.
You flatter me. Do you want that bike or don't you?
Hey, Dad! Dad!
Oh. Beaver, wait!
Aren't you gonna even say hi? Hi. When's Dad coming home?
He should be home any minute now.
Maybe I'll just wait for him outside.
Beaver? Is there something I can help you with?
Oh, no, Mom. I'm not supposed to be sucking up to you.
BOY: Here you go.
Dad! Dad! Dad! Hey, Beaver!
Here, Dad, let me help you with your junk.
Did you do something wrong, Beaver?
Gee, Dad, how come whenever I act nice, people think I done something wrong?
Just conditioning, Beav.
Sure you don't want a hand with those?
Oh, no, Dad. I want your hands free to sign my permission slip
so I can play for the Mayfield Mighty Mites.
You wanna play football.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Yeah!
Go, Beaver! Pick it up!
Go! Go! Go!
Yeah!
JUNE: Beaver? Play football?
You didn't tell him he could, did you, Ward?
Of course not.
I told him I had to check with you first.
Oh! And make me the bad guy.
Do you want a repeat of T-ball season?
I mean have you forgotten about the Beaver...
Who's winning now, Wally?
I don't know, Beav.
They're already talking about stuff in the past that they're still ticked off about.
Look me in the eyes,
and tell me you're doing this because it's in your son's best interest
and not to fulfill some lingering adolescent fantasy of yours.
What? Dear, when I was playing sandlot, it really changed my life.
WARD: I know what you're thinking, but Beaver's not too small to play football.
Hut! Hut! Hut!
ALL: Mayfield!
Beav, other way! Other way! Mayfield!
ALL: One, two, three, four!
Your mommies, your daddies
think this isn't about winning or losing!
ALL: One, two, three, six! One two, three, seven!
One, two, three, eight! One, two, three, nine!
GORDON: They think it's about building character, don't they, Cleaver?
(GRUNTS)
We're gonna go over to this play here.
We're gonna have this guard pull out here. This guy pulls out here.
The quarterback drops back. We have an option.
He goes deep, and we go to him.
Looks the same... Different look.
GORDON: This play is different.
You see?
It's all relative.
You understand?
The quarterback sneaks back.
We are here to do two things
and two things only.
That is to win and to win big!
ALL: Yeah! Yeah!
ALL: Break!
Come on, Beaver! Go get them!
Down! Set!
You're lunchmeat!
You're mine!
Go!
Put it up, Cleaver! Put it up!
(SCREAMS)
There's gotta be an easier way to get a bike.
Yeah, well, what'd you expect, Beav?
There is a reason football players wear more equipment
than guys who train attack dogs.
WARD: Bedtime, boys.
Well, Beaver, decided where you're gonna put that Heisman trophy?
You mean I don't have to wait till the end of the season to get a trophy?
He's just joking on you, Beav.
You don't get the Heisman trophy till college.
Well, after watching you today, I wouldn't rule it out.
You took some licks, but you didn't quit.
Your mom and I just want you to know how proud we are of you.
I just wanted to let you know that
I've decided to become a doctor when I grow up.
Oh, boy, wait till I tell your mom.
You know, I always said, "Football is a real confidence builder."
Back when I was playing sandlot I found that I learned the great many...
Yeah, well, you've heard this before.
Where did we leave off?
Here we are.
"Now, Dottie the Dinosaur had never seen a human being before.
"Such a tiny creature who only walks on two legs and eats berries."
But, Dad...
"'Couldn't be much of a hunter,' said Dottie."
Dad!
If a guy's old enough to play football,
then don't you think maybe he's too old to have his dad read to him?
Well, maybe you have a point there, Beav.
You read it yourself, but don't stay up too late.
Thanks, Dad.
Well, goodnight, Beav.
Dad, if a guy's too old to be read to,
then he's probably too old to get kissed goodnight to.
(SCOFFS)
Goodnight, Dad.
Goodnight.
I think he took that pretty well. BEAVER: Yeah.
But I was worried, 'cause for a minute
he had that same sort of blubbery look he had
when the lights came on at the end of The Lion King.
JUNE: Okay, everybody, gather around. It's time for cake.
Come on! WARD: Let's go, boys!
Is everybody ready?
I'm low on battery.
(ALL SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU)
Make a wish, Beaver. Big wish, Beav.
Make a wish.
ALL: Yay!
Way to go, Beav!
(BOYS LAUGHING)
EDDIE: Hey, Lumpy, quit stuffing your face and pay attention.
I've put together a little photographic compilation of my future soul mate.
And here's Karen taking her dog for a walk.
And here she is at the store with her mom.
Oh! That's my favorite outfit of hers.
You know, Eddie, you might want to back off a little bit, huh?
Hey! What are you talking about? I'm doing great.
A week ago we were total strangers.
Last night I was in her bedroom.
Yeah, you were in her bedroom, all right.
But Karen and her family were at the movies.
Can't you ever just be happy for me?
Mom, Dad, can we open the presents now? Please, please, please, please.
June, you really should monitor the boy's sugar intake.
Here we are. This one is from Gilbert.
EDDIE: Oh, come on, Mrs. Cleaver.
GILBERT: Don't blame me, Beav. It's a recycle.
I wouldn't wear it when I got it, so my mom's giving it to you.
Well, that's a lovely gesture, Gilbert.
Well, I guess that's it.
JUNE: No, Beaver. There's more.
Really?
Wheel it out, Ward!
ALL: Whoa!
Wow! A computer.
From your Aunt Martha. Thanks.
Nothing I like more than an educational gift.
Well, Beav, what more could a boy ask for?
Yeah.
I guess that's about all a guy could ask for, huh?
I'm glad you feel that way, son,
but your mom and I wanted to get you a little something else.
(WHISTLES) Wally!
BOYS: Whoa!
Whoa!
Thanks, Mom! Thanks, Dad! You're the bestest parents in the whole universe!
Whoa! Awesome!
Whoa!
Bye, Dad. Bye, Mom.
Here you go.
Bye.
Bye, Mom. Goodbye.
See you, Dad. Oh, Wally, could you do us a favor?
Oh, sure, Dad.
I'll do my homework every day without you guys having to crawl up my...
That's great, Wally, but we weren't really going there.
Beaver's never ridden his bike to school before.
We were hoping you could go with him the first few days.
WARD: Show him the ropes.
Oh! I get you.
You just don't want some truck turning the Beaver into roadkill.
Something like that. Yeah.
See you, Wal. Okay, Dad.
Well, there they go.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
(BELL RINGING)
L-A-N-D-E-R-S.
I play tennis. I like to travel.
And I enjoy curling up in front of the fire with a big pile of book reports.
Yes?
Excuse me, Miss Landers.
But how many "N's" are there in tennis?
LANDERS: Two.
But you don't need to take notes. You aren't going to be tested on this.
I'd rather be safe than sorry.
(BURPS) LANDERS: Then you go right ahead.
Now, why don't you tell me about your summer vacations?
Susan Akatsu.
Hi, Miss Landers.
This summer we went to Mount Rushmore, and then my grandmother died,
but not at Mount Rushmore.
Oh, Susan, I'm very sorry to hear that. Yeah!
Everyone was sad, except my dad,
'cause she always said he never made enough money.
Thank you, Susan.
Gilbert Bates.
Yo, I'm Gilbert.
This summer, my parents shipped me off to camp.
I caught impetigo, and when I got back, my dad had moved out.
Only, since then, he moved back.
But he's still sleeping in my room, and I'm sleeping on the couch.
Thank you, Gilbert, for being so candid.
Oh! And while I was away, my cat got runned over.
(KIDS CLAMORING)
Theodore Cleaver.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Isn't that your name?
Yeah, but everyone calls me Beaver on account of it's my nickname.
But you can call me whatever you want,
'cause I don't wanna get you mad and have you give me a bad grade.
Well, if it's okay with you, I'll just call you Theodore.
This summer, I got an awesome bike.
My brother snuck me into an R-rated movie.
And I'm playing football, so I gotta wear a cup.
Thank you, Theodore.
Oh, and nobody in my family died.
Hey, Wally! Hey, guys!
Wallace, how fortuitous.
What do you want, Eddie?
Karen is in there with a litter of her friends.
So? What you need me for?
I thought you'd want to be a witness to history.
What's he talking about, Wally?
It means he's too chicken to try and scam on her by himself.
Hey, Lumpy, ain't you late for your shrink appointment?
You promised you weren't gonna tell anyone!
And you trusted me. Big mistake.
(SNICKERS)
Come on, Wally, a little help? You're my best friend, right?
That's what you keep telling me.
What a sport.
EDDIE: Hey, can't you read? No dogs allowed.
Come on, Eddie. I'm supposed to be watching him.
This is for mature audiences only.
Tie him up to a lamppost, and we'll bring him a bowl of kibble.
Just wait here. This won't take long.
Man, I wish I were that straw.
Oh, my God!
Look, I'll do all the talking.
You just stand there and laugh and shake your head, like,
"Where the heck does he come up with this stuff?"
Take another step, and I'll file a restraining order.
Easy. We come in peace.
Hey. Aren't you Wally Cleaver?
Yeah.
And I guess you already know my friend Eddie?
We've never formally met.
Well, we just came to say hi.
See you.
You don't have to leave yet.
Don't you wanna sit down?
Really?
(HUMMING)
PUNK: Choice wheels.
Thanks. I got it by lying to my dad.
You riding BMX, man?
Oh, no. I'm only allowed on the sidewalk.
Oh, a flatlander.
Let me do some wheeling, huh?
You wanna ride it?
Hey, thanks, dude!
Cool!
Where did you learn all that stuff?
It's a feel thing. You know, I got a few more tricks.
Really? Cool! Can you show me?
Yeah, sure.
I got one you'll never forget.
Hey! Don't worry!
I just need to whip up a little torque.
BEAVER: Awesome, dude!
Hasta la vista, baby.
Hey!
Come back here!
Hey!
So, did you feel the electricity between us?
You didn't say a word in there.
Exactly!
A few sorrowful looks, some well-placed grunts,
just like my man, Brad Pitt.
Come on, Beav. Let's go home.
I can't.
How come? Well...
See, this cool guy came up
and wanted to show me these cool bike tricks,
and I let him ride my bike.
And he did these cool bike tricks. I thought it was pretty cool.
So he wanted to show me another trick, and I let him ride it.
Then he rode away and away and never came back!
You got your new bike jacked?
Beav, how could you let that happen?
I guess it's 'cause he stole it a little bit at a time.
Oh, man.
WARD: Thanks again for the ride, Fred.
Don't worry. I won't let you forget it.
Well?
I don't know.
His hair looks kind of messed up, like he's been yelled at all day.
You know, Beav, you may have lucked out, after all.
Yeah, it's pretty good.
WALLY: It's good, Mom.
It's just delicious. Yeah, I cooked dinner.
Wally, would you pass the meat, please?
Sure, Dad.
June, you've outdone yourself. This meat is outstanding.
It's great, Mom.
WALLY: Here you go. JUNE: Did you get some bread?
WALLY: Oh, thanks.
Beaver, why are you eating so fast?
So I can be excused.
Don't be in such a hurry.
Tell us everything you did today.
Everything?
Yes, tell us about your first day of school.
Oh, yeah, school.
I rode my bike there. My teacher's name is Miss Landers.
She was real nice, but they always are on the first day so you don't freak.
Then the bell rang, and I got on my bike and left and...
Now I'm talking to you.
May I be excused?
What about after school?
After school?
What did we do after school, Wally?
Well, I picked him up on his bike, just like you told me to.
And then we just did stuff.
Yeah, Dad, we did stuff.
(LAUGHS)
Well, what kind of stuff?
Well... Hey, Mom, can I have some broccoli?
Are you sure that's all that happened today?
Oh, yeah, sure. Right, Beav?
Boys, there's something bothering you, isn't there?
No, Dad. Why do you say that?
Well, for one thing, you hate broccoli.
All right, I'm going to ask you again. This time I want an honest answer.
Did something happen that you don't want us to know about?
Yes.
Well? What was it?
You do know I'm on the football team,
and I'm going to be a doctor, maybe even in Africa.
Beaver.
My bike got stoled.
Stole? Beaver, how could this happen?
You've only had that bike for five days!
Actually, it's only been four.
Dad, I'm sorry! Honest!
Well, "sorry" isn't gonna bring back your bicycle, is it?
Or your Ken Griffey Junior rookie card.
Or your Game Boy.
I'm not even gonna mention the garage.
Ward, the garage was not Beaver's fault.
All right, fine. You're right, dear.
What bothers me is that you have no respect for your personal possessions.
Do you? No, sir.
How can you say that?
I thought that's what you wanted me to say.
Ward.
This is another example of what happens when you're not paying attention.
Isn't that right, Wally?
But, Dad, I didn't do anything.
Exactly. Weren't you supposed to be looking after your brother today?
Yeah.
Well, where were you when all this happened?
Inside the soda shop having a shake with Eddie.
Oh! Fine! Fine!
We looked everywhere for it, Dad.
We really expected a lot more from you, Wally.
Boy, parents are weird, huh?
I mess up, and they get even madder at you.
(GRUNTS)
Hey.
What did you shove me for?
I'm sick of always baby-sitting you.
I'm sick of you following me around.
"Hey, Wally, can I come? Hey, Wally, can I play, too? Can I, Wally?
"Wally, please, Wally..." Shut up!
Make me, fart breath!
That's it. I'm telling.
No! You're not telling nothing!
BEAVER: Mom! You know what bothers me?
When something like this happens, why do they feel they have to cover it up?
Maybe they were afraid you'd fly off the handle
without giving them a chance to explain.
You didn't disappoint them, did you?
(WALLY AND BEAVER GRUNTING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
When I was growing up, I said I'd never holler at my kids
like my dad did, and I did it again, didn't I?
Why is it all men are more concerned about
their relationships with their fathers
than they are their own children?
You know, my father was like that, too.
(BEAVER YELLING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
I got it.
Whoa!
Don't let go, Beav. Don't let go.
JUNE: I still think you overreacted.
Well, maybe you're right, dear.
You know,
I ought to go right up there and apologize for losing it.
That would be nice.
WARD: I just don't want them to get off the hook so easily.
Is it too much to ask for them to accept a little responsibility for themselves?
For what that bike cost, they can sweat it out a little longer.
Come on, Beav.
(BOTH GRUNTS)
Thanks. Oops!
Oh, no!
You know, June, maybe I should give those boys a little more credit.
Mmm-hmm.
(THUDDING)
(WALLY GRUNTING)
That was close.
Just because you saved my life doesn't mean I forgot you called me "fart breath."
(BOTH SCREAMS)
(CRASHING)
Boys!
Good afternoon, Mrs. Cleaver. I took the liberty of bringing you your mail.
Well, thank you, Eddie.
But, you know, the boys are grounded so you can't come in.
Do I detect a new fragrance?
(SNIFFS)
Would that be patchouli oil?
Thank you for noticing.
You know, Mrs. Cleaver, and I say this with all due respect,
for a mom, you're quite the babe.
Behold a prime specimen of "teenus screw-upius."
What do you want?
You know how it is when you're driving on the freeway.
You see an accident. You can't help but look at the wreckage.
Yeah, thanks for stopping by, Eddie.
Now, what I need you to do
is call up my petite flower and find out how much she digs me
without sounding like I'm the guy that put you up to it.
Oh, yeah? What's in it for me?
The proud glow you'll feel when you realize you've helped launch a successful union.
And who knows, maybe she has some nice quiet friend for you.
Forget it, Eddie.
You're not gonna sucker me into being the go-between.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello? Hello?
It's me.
Wally Cleaver.
Oh, hi.
Yeah, I'm just calling out of the blue to,
you know, say hi.
KAREN: Well, I'm glad you did.
See, I'm sort of having this boy-girl party on Saturday,
and I wanted to invite you.
Really? Yeah.
I wanted to ask you at the soda shop,
but it was a little awkward with that Eddie standing there.
Yeah, I can understand that.
Enough with the cutesy banter. Start talking me up.
Do you wanna do this?
No. Fine.
You know, Eddie's not such a creep once you get to know him.
Oh, my God!
He's standing right next to you, isn't he?
Yeah, that's, that's quite true.
I guess I can't invite you without inviting him, too.
That would be terrific.
What? What...
Listen, Wally,
now that you have my number and all,
next time you're alone, why don't you give me a call?
It was great talking to you, too, Karen.
Goodbye.
Something on your mind, Beaver?
Well, kind of.
On TV it showed this guy who used to play football,
but can't anymore on account of he got tackled so hard.
Come on, Beav. When I was your age, playing peewee, I took my lumps.
Got knocked down and I picked myself up.
That's football. That's a lot like life, really.
Then I just wanna make sure all my body parts are working right.
What are you saying? You wanna quit the team?
Do I? Thanks, Dad! What a relief.
Well, you can't.
Why not?
Well, because first it's this, then next thing you quit school.
Then one day you quit your job,
then your marriage and anything else that gives you trouble in life.
You mean, I can quit school? Beaver.
You're not listening to me.
If you really wanna make your dad proud, then don't be a quitter.
Okay, Dad. I'll quit trying to be a quitter.
Beaver.
You stick with it. Keep playing hard.
Who knows? One day you may be riding a new bike around Mayfield.
(SNORTS)
(GROWLS)
(GRUNTS)
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Centennial Field
for the opening game of Mighty Mite football.
Thank you. Oh, boy, you want some popcorn, huh?
Well, how are sales, June?
Good, dear.
What would you like?
(GRUNTING)
ANNOUNCER: Mayfield will be kicking off to Oak Park.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
GORDON: Okay, everybody, get ready for the kickoff.
Let's look alive, now!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Beav! Go!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
GIRLS: Hey! Mayfield! Don't take uh-uh!
ANNOUNCER: With 38 seconds left in the game,
Mayfield has a five-point lead and the ball.
GORDON: Okay, the rules say I gotta play everyone.
Let's see.
Cleaver.
Yeah, Coach?
Son, I want you to run a strong right 28 T on "Go." Got it?
Got it.
All right, fellows! Let's be strong out there! And now protect that ball!
Go tell the quarterback the play.
Oh! I get it.
Go, Beaver!
Strong right 28 T on go. Strong right 28 T on go.
So, what's the play?
RICHARD: Well?
I'll be right back.
ANNOUNCER: Seems to be a little confusion at the Mayfield huddle.
Go, Beaver!
ALL: Yeah!
Break!
GORDON: Move it, boys! Move it now!
Down!
RICHARD: Set! Go!
Yeah!
Whoa!
(GRUNTS)
Go!
Yes!
Hey, Beaver, throw me the ball.
No!
No! No!
What?
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
ANNOUNCER: Unbelievable! Oak Park wins!
Hey, Beav, how could you throw the ball to an Oak Park guy?
That was George Tibbles.
At camp we were on the same team in Color War.
Maybe if you started crying, people would feel sorry for you.
Don't worry about it, Beav. You'll get them next time.
In fact, I'm looking forward to it.
Thanks a lot, Eddie.
I am very pleased with the results of the astronomy test.
Although, there's still some confusion about Pluto.
While its planetary classification is still uncertain,
it is definitely not Mickey's dog.
Rats!
Wow, Beaver, you really pulled up your grade.
You got a C.
I did?
Yeah, a "See me after class."
(GIRL LAUGHING)
(BELL RINGING)
(CHILDREN SCREAMING)
Okay. Goodbye, Judy. Thank you, Judy. Bye-bye.
Theodore, I thought it might be better if we had a chance to talk in private.
I want you to understand this is not a punishment.
Don't worry. I know what you look like when you get mad.
I was there the time you caught Larry going through your purse.
Theodore,
did you have a chance to study for this test?
I worked real hard, Miss Landers. I studied till my head hurt.
I guess I just didn't get any of it.
I'd really hate to see you fall behind. Yeah, me, too.
Nobody likes being the guy who makes people listen to the same junk over and over
that they got bored listening to in the first place.
I'm sure that's a terrible feeling.
Would it help if you and I reviewed this material after school for a few days?
(GORDON BLOWING WHISTLE)
GORDON: Let's go! What are you doing?
You mean you'd be willing to help me after school more than just today?
Well, if you needed to.
And if I was real dumb, could we meet every Tuesday and Thursday until about 4:30?
And maybe even some Saturdays, too?
It is the mental errors that will cause a team to lose.
I don't wanna name any names, but...
Go ahead and say his name all you want, Coach. Beaver's not here.
On account of he's falling behind, and he's gotta stay after school.
Oh! He will be missed.
(LAUGHING)
Hi! You're home early.
June.
You're vacuuming in pearls. You know what that does to me.
Stick around.
Later, I'll slip into a pair of oven mitts.
Geez! Why don't you two get a room?
Oh! Wally.
Oh, hi. I'm just getting home.
Beaver, how was practice today?
About the same as always, I guess.
Listen, I want to talk to you about your game on Saturday.
You do?
I'm sorry I can't be there. I have to go out of town on business.
Oh!
I'll be there the following Saturday for sure.
You will?
But, Dad, you promised you were coming to my game that day.
I did?
Now, boys, your father can't be two places at once.
You go ahead and see Wally play, Dad.
He's older than I am, so he's got a lot less games left in him.
That's very considerate of you, Beaver.
Yeah, I'm real 'siderate.
Remember? That's what it said on my second grade report card.
Come on, my little football star.
Why don't you go upstairs and get cleaned up for dinner?
Okay, Mom.
Hello, Mr. Haskell.
HASKELL: Hey, Wally.
Oh, I guess nobody skimped on the after-shave.
So, your first boy-girl party.
Let me take this opportunity to impart upon you a little wisdom
culled from years of experience in the field.
That's very generous of you, Dad.
Boys, women are all a bunch of bloodsuckers,
out to get you any way they can.
When they finally succeed in breaking your spirit,
they'll flush you like a dead goldfish.
Now, you boys be on your way and have a great time.
There was a time my brothers didn't want me tagging around with them.
Did it bum you out?
Not really 'cause I'd tag along anyway.
They'd go to the drive-in with their girlfriends.
I'd sit in the backseat.
Ward. Shh.
Ward? Oh, yeah.
You know, we didn't ask if Karen's party was gonna be chaperoned.
June, please, they're 12-year-old boys. Come on.
Underneath all that preening and strutting,
they live in wide-eyed fear of the opposite sex.
Mmm-hmm.
No.
I'll be waiting in the laundry room
while you two budding beauties fight it out.
So, Tammy, you won, huh?
No, I lost.
Let's just get this over with.
Wow! All new copper plumbing.
Must have set Karen's old man back a pretty penny.
Do you not want to do this?
Don't you?
Sort of, but not with you.
I can appreciate that.
(ALL WHOOPING)
All right! All right!
GIRL: How was it?
So, did you?
Do you even have to ask?
GIRLS: Wow! Wally's up.
Come on, Wally. Yeah.
Hey, come on, Wally.
ALL: Wally, Wally.
You want the lights on or off?
I think maybe off is better.
This is pretty awkward, huh?
KAREN: Yeah.
But if I have to do this with someone,
I'm glad it's someone I really like.
Really?
You couldn't tell?
I was really trying not to notice
because of Eddie and all.
You're a good friend, Wally.
But I don't think you two will ever be this close.
Hi, Miss Drucker! Hi, Miss Drucker!
(DOG BARKING)
Sorry.
(QUACKING)
Well, maybe it's like when you get a new toy,
and after a few days you get sick of playing with it.
Looks like he's having more fun with her than I ever did with a Slinky.
I'm gonna miss Wally.
He's still my brother.
Beav, the friend or brother you once knew is dead.
No, Wally's different.
Hey, my brother and I were pretty tight, too, then he got a girlfriend.
Now all we ever do is fight.
Really? Yeah.
Every time she gets mad at him, I get my butt kicked.
Don't worry, Beav. You still got us.
Yeah.
Let's go. Come on.
You know, I used to want to stay a kid my whole life.
But lately, I just want to get it over with.
LANDERS: Theodore is my best helper.
His lima bean has grown faster than anyone else's.
But there's a problem, isn't there, Miss Landers?
Why don't we take a look at Theodore's "Me" book?
Oh, it's great. Oh!
His bike. Bike.
Well, he did a lovely job with the bay windows in the front.
Yes.
At this age, we're looking for more detail in the drawings.
For example, clothes.
Fingers. Feet?
Well, I hardly think a few missing fingers is anything to be alarmed over.
Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver, here in class
Theodore is having a lot of trouble keeping up.
I think his self-image is really suffering as a result.
So, I took the liberty of discussing this matter with our principal, Mrs. Rayburn.
And she would like a meeting
between your entire family and our district psychologist.
Ward?
I'm worried about the Beaver.
So, Theodore, why don't you tell me a little about yourself?
Well, I'm 4'3".
I go to school, and I got some European in my blood.
That's very nice.
Do you enjoy school?
Oh, yes, excepting for noman ruminals.
That's a tough one, all right.
So, what do you like to do for fun?
Well, I'm a normal kid.
And I like to do normal junk just like normal regular kids do.
The Beaver has always shown a real interest in science.
And he's very close with his brother.
And he plays football for the Mayfield Mighty Mites.
I didn't know they played football at that age.
Well, you're never too young to play a sport that teaches you
self-confidence, coordination, discipline.
Were you a football player, Ward?
Well, I played some sandlot.
Interesting.
Wait a minute. I know what you're doing.
And I can assure you you're wrong.
Wrong about what?
I'm not one of those fathers. What do you mean?
One of those fathers who push their kids
to try to fill the gaps in their own lives. No, no.
June, back me up here.
Well, I've always felt that eight was a little young to be playing such a violent game.
Oh, really?
I do not think this is the time or place to have this discussion.
Oh, I think learning to have discussions
is exactly why we're here.
No. What you really want to do is gang up on me
for pushing my kids into sports.
Let me remind you that Wally here
started playing football the very same age as Beaver.
Last year he was MVP,
an honor student, president of his class.
I don't know many boys his age who can whip up a better Spanish omelet.
Isn't that right, Wally?
No.
I'm not who you think I am.
I'm a terrible person.
My best friend just wanted to know what she thought of him,
and the next thing I knew we were in her laundry room,
making out.
Making?
I can't eat. I can't sleep.
My whole body feels heavy.
I can't go on like this any longer,
but I won't give her up! I won't!
Please, continue.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
I'm sorry, Eddie. I don't believe Wally is expecting you.
Don't think you need to create a smoke screen for your son, Mr. Cleaver.
Wallace and I have discussed his relationship with Karen,
and ultimately we feel our friendship is strong enough
to survive some schoolboy dalliance.
Oh, hello, Eddie. Beaver's upstairs in his room.
What? You're here to see Beaver?
Yes. We're having a little PJ party.
Now that Wallace doesn't have as much time as he used to for young Theodore,
I have taken it upon myself to slip in and fill that void.
Well, I'm gonna sleep a lot better knowing that.
Oh, hi, Eddie. I got a model. I rented a video.
And look at these.
I got about 1,000 pennies we can wrap up.
Let's get something straight, Beavis.
I didn't come here to have a good time. I'm just using you.
Wallace, what's the occasion? Job interview?
Cut it out, Eddie. You know I'm taking Karen skating tonight.
Oh, sure, throw it in my face.
You're out having a Ice Capade with my babe,
while I watch Balto with the Beaver.
So we are going to watch the movie?
Shut up.
Look, Eddie, what did you come over for?
To see how miserable you could make me?
Pretty much.
Well, I got news for you.
Karen was never interested in you at all.
Oh, yeah? Then why'd she invite me to her party?
I made sure she invited you,
because I felt sorry for you.
So, in other words, you're a backstabber and a liar.
All right. That's it, Haskell. Let's do it right now!
You know, he just hasn't been the same since the growth spurt.
Come, Theodore.
Last time I was here I hid some Pudding Pops in back of the freezer.
Boy, Wally, I never knew you were such a crummy guy.
Me first! I'll race you!
All right! Come on! Come on!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Come on.
Karen, I was thinking
that maybe if tonight went real well...
KYLE: Karen! ...that...
Kyle!
(GASPS)
(CHUCKLES)
Hey.
I thought you, like, moved.
Yeah. My mom booked, so now we're living with my dad's parents.
It sucks, but it's, like, I'm never home anyway.
Yeah.
Oh, this is my...
This is Wally.
Cool sweater.
Nice earring.
Kyle and I grew up across the street from each other.
Yeah. I mean, we used to, like, take baths together.
Hey, Eddie, did you know there was a real dog named Balto,
and he cured diphtheria?
Well, I'll be.
Your old man's always crying poverty,
but he's sitting on quite a sweet little nest egg.
Hey, Eddie, are you supposed to be looking at all that stuff?
What's with you anyways, Cleaver?
Don't you like doing things you're not supposed to?
Well, I would if I could get away with them,
but I'm just not as good at it as you are.
You know, it's a good thing you found out what a rat your brother is now,
instead of waiting for when they're carving up your old man's estate.
Yeah, I've been real 'spicious of him
since that time at the Twin Pools when he held me underwater.
I'm telling you, you just can't trust the guy.
That's why I think we should sneak off to the skating rink and spy on the little gigolo.
Now, I don't think my parents would like that.
What to do. What to do.
Mom! Dad! Can we camp out in the backyard?
Far be it from me to inhibit the boy's sense of adventure.
EDDIE: ...in the living room, while my parents either read or play Scrabble.
And finally came time to go to bed,
it took several times to get the Nintendo shut off.
You know, I'm not so sure I like Eddie being so nice to the Beaver.
Oh, now, Ward, if you just gave the boy half a chance, he might just surprise you.
Maybe so, but there's something about him I just don't trust.
EDDIE: He said I was crazy.
Well, something about that TV must have been bothering me.
Because I just laid awake in bed staring at the ceiling.
The more I tried not to feel scared, the scareder I became.
There's Karen. But where's Wally?
(WHISPERS) There he is, picking up splinters.
Hey, babe, let me go grab my stuff, then we can blow outta here.
Thanks for the fizz, bud.
Anytime.
Listen, Wally, I hope you don't mind.
Kyle's really upset and he really needs someone to talk to.
Are you mad at me?
No. I mean, it's obvious the guy's got a lot of problems.
Thanks. You're such a nice guy.
I wish people would quit saying that.
She dumped him.
Once again, fate has dealt me a winning hand.
Hey, Eddie, you know, if Wally hadn't have stole Karen from you,
you'd be the one down there
looking like you're about to cry in front of the whole world.
So, in a way, it's kind of like Wally did you a favor.
So then at the ice skating rink, right? I'm skating, and I'm...
Hey, dude!
Hey, Kyle!
Dig the ride.
Thanks. Stole it from some kid.
So, who's the Betty?
Just some chick.
I stole her from some guy.
See you later. See you, man.
Hey, Karen. Pizza?
So, back to the story about the ice skating rink.
Hey, Romeo.
What are you guys doing here?
Just educating young Theodore on the perils of teen dating.
Wait. Were you guys at the rink?
BEAVER: But don't worry, Wally. We still love you.
Hey, look, my bike!
BEAVER: Come back here! Give me back my bike!
Come on! Come on!
WALLY: Stop, you thief!
EDDIE: Let's get him!
WALLY: Hurry up!
Where'd he go? There he is.
WALLY: Get back here!
BEAVER: Hey, you, come back here!
Fish! Whoa!
Whoa!
Adios, amigos!
Good evening, Mrs. Hensler.
And what a fine automobile you're driving tonight.
What are you boys doing here?
Well, Wallace,
Theodore and myself just got a sudden craving for sushi.
(SCOFFS)
Hey, that was Mrs. Hensler.
WALLY: Big mouth.
BOTH: Dad! We gotta get home!
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
CLAIRE: Ward? Claire Hensler.
Isn't it a little late for Beaver to be vandalizing
a fish market on a school night?
Beaver's not vandalizing a fish market on a school night.
He's safely tucked away in a tent in our backyard, listening to scary stories.
What a relief.
What I must have seen was only the clone of young Theodore covered in mackerel.
Mrs. Hensler, despite what you may think, I know my boys better than you do.
(PHONE DISCONNECTING)
Beav, stay back. You smell rank!
(THUD)
Eddie.
EDDIE: My mouth got dry, and my heart started thumping so hard.
I thought it was going to come clear out of my chest.
(WHISTLES)
(SCREAMS)
(GROANS)
Sorry again, mister!
(GRUNTS)
EDDIE: "...downstairs.
"I walked into the living room and checked out the TV.
"It was real warm, as if someone had just been watching it.
"Then out of nowhere, it pops on
"and begins to play that same weird Nintendo game I saw earlier.
"Well, I almost jumped out of my skin.
"To make matters worse,
"the piano begins to sound off with a strange little song.
"I turned back to stare at the cat."
Wally? Shh. This is the good part.
All right. Good night, boys.
Anyone ever hear the word "bath"?
"Pepper is strutting across the keys.
"His tail straight up behind him."
You know, scary stories just aren't as scary when you don't have a bike anymore.
Yeah, they're not that great when you don't have a girl anymore, either.
Hey! Maybe I should get something stolen from me so I can join you two mopesters.
You better help us get that bike! Okay.
(BELL RINGING)
Okay, good work, everybody
and don't forget we have a spelling pretest tomorrow.
Hey, Beaver, wanna come over to my house
and watch my sister making out with her boyfriend?
I can't. I got "football" practice.
Oh, right. Gotcha.
Miss Landers, I've been having a hard time keeping up with the math stuff again.
Maybe we should go over it some more.
I'm sorry, Theodore. I won't be able to help you today.
I have a teacher's conference, but maybe Judy could help you.
Certainly, Miss Landers!
I sure would hate to see Beaver get left behind.
Thank you, Judy.
I'm sure Theodore will be in very good hands.
All right! Sit down and shut up!
You're gonna learn this stuff if I have to shove it down your throat!
And where do you think you're going, Beaver Cleaver?
Thanks anyway, Judy, but I'd rather go through third grade 100 times
than listen to your ugly voice for one minute.
Gee, Larry, take a breath.
Hello, Beaver.
Hi, Karen.
Go ahead. Ask him.
Beaver, so, how's Wally been doing?
Well, he's been kind of crummy.
Why has he been so crummy?
Well, lately he's had the same look on his face the Hunchback did
when Esmeralda ran off with the good-looking guy.
Bye, Beaver.
Hey, we got an hour and a half to kill till practice is over.
You wanna go to the library?
Okay.
We can look at that National Geographic
with the native girls of Chilaka.
Yeah.
Hey, Beav, you gonna eat that?
FRED: Well, Frank, you did it again.
Now, come on. Get outta here before I call security.
Bye-bye. Bye!
Bye-bye. Thanks again.
Bye. Bye-bye.
That is how the game is played, Ward, old man.
Drill them, fill them and bill them.
Take notes and one day, maybe, you'll have a corner office.
I'll say this, Fred. What I saw today, I'm sure they don't teach in any business school.
Learn it, use it and pass it on.
The best part is, I finally have time to make it to one of Beaver's games.
So long, Fred.
LIBRARIAN: It's due back on the 19th.
I want to check this out.
Hey, Beav, look.
That's the biggest coffee cup I've ever seen.
Hey, that place finally opened, huh?
Yeah, and I can't wait to have my first iced mochaccino.
Hey, it's you! Give me back my bike!
Your bike? I get the feeling I'm being accused of something here.
You know what he's talking about, Kyle? Yeah.
You stole his bike, and he wants it back.
Give me my bike back, or I'll call my brother.
You mean, Wally?
Doesn't he have enough trouble hanging onto his own belongings?
I'll tell you what. I'll make you a deal.
Me and Kyle have been arguing about that big cup up there.
He says there's coffee in it, and I say there isn't.
It's probably not coffee.
They probably just got a machine up there that makes steam.
Yes, see, that's what I said, but the sign says it's coffee,
and Kyle thinks there's a law against fake advertising.
So what's the deal?
You climb up there and prove I'm right and that there's no coffee in it,
I'll give you your bike back.
You want me to climb up there? No way!
I guess you're right, man. This kid here, he's got no spine.
Come on, man. Let's blow outta here. I gotta meet Karen.
Wait.
How do I know once I get up there, you'll really give me my bike back?
Dude, what other choice you got?
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTING)
(ALL SHOUTING)
There's so sign of the Beaver. Maybe he was drafted by the Packers.
There he is.
Surprise, Beaver!
Oh! Have a good game, son. Go get them!
Boy, it's high up here.
It just looks that way, 'cause you're way up there.
But from down here, it's not that high at all.
Coach Gordon?
WARD: Hello. Ward Cleaver.
Oh, yeah, hi. How are you?
This is Fred Rutherford. Coach.
So, your son doing any better in school?
Pardon?
That's why he had to leave the team, so he could get extra help after school, right?
Geez, you'll have to excuse me, Coach.
I seem to find myself out of the loop on this one.
Whoa!
Come on, Beav! Quit screwing around!
(GRUNTS)
You made it, Beaver! You made it!
Hey, Larry! I can't see inside!
Whoa!
Hey, guess I win the bet! I didn't hear a splash.
BEAVER: Hey! Do I get my bike back now?
Deal's a deal. Come on down and get it.
BEAVER: I can't get out!
Hey, kid, are you welching on your deal?
Kids today! They just got no moral code.
Yeah.
Hey, Larry, I'm gonna be stuck in here forever.
Okay, okay, don't panic. I'll get the police.
No, the cops will tell my parents,
and then they'll find out I quit the football team!
Well, if that's what you're worried about, you deserve to be seeing a shrink.
(WALLY WHISTLING)
Wally! What are you doing?
We're gonna be having dinner soon.
Don't worry, Mom. I'll be done by then.
JUNE: Hello, dear.
How was your day at the salt mines? Hey, Dad.
June, where's the Beaver?
He's at his game.
No, he's not. They haven't seen him in two weeks.
I think this is one of those conversations I should go upstairs for.
Wally, your father and I need to know what's going on right now.
Okay, but if you don't mind me saying so,
I don't think that going and thrashing on the Beaver is gonna help any.
I was not planning to thrash on anyone, Wally.
I'd just like to know what's going on under my own roof.
All right.
Well, we all like the Beaver,
except we all know he's not the smartest guy
or the best looking and that, well, he's got a tendency to lose things.
Your point being?
The guy's got enough trouble in his life
without always having to worry about letting you down.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
I'll get it.
Hi, Mrs. Cleaver.
I sure hope you're in a good mood.
(TITTERING)
(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
(SIRENS WAILING)
COP: Stand back! Step aside here!
Hey, Wally, looks like we just crowned a new village idiot.
Mr. Cleaver, I hope you're as moved
by this fine show of civic support for your second born as I am.
Be right back. Okay.
And might I add, Mrs. Cleaver, even in the most dire of circumstances,
you look as though you've just walked off the runway.
Eddie. Yes, Mrs. Cleaver.
Cut the crap.
Things are really percolating here in downtown Mayfield
as a little boy, caught in a giant coffee cup,
has refused attempts by rescue personnel to extricate him.
And now it appears that that job has landed on the shoulders of his father.
That's Dad!
Beaver?
Hello, Beaver.
You all right?
Yes, sir.
If it's okay, I'd rather you yell at me up here than in front of the whole town.
I have no intention of yelling at you.
You say that now, but you just might forget once you hear everything.
I know all about the football team, Beaver.
Thanks a lot, Wally.
The problem isn't who I heard it from. It's that I didn't hear it from you.
I wanted to tell you, Dad. Then why didn't you, Beav?
'Cause I couldn't decide which was worser,
screwing up by playing or screwing up by quitting.
Either way, I didn't want to go disappointing you again.
Why would you say something like that?
'Cause it's true. Ever since my bike got stoled,
you've been giving me the look.
What look is that?
It's a kind of look like you don't like what I'm doing, but you don't wanna tell me.
Beaver, I don't give you any...
Oh, I do that, huh?
My dad used to do that.
Used to make me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough for him.
If you didn't like it when your dad gave you the look,
then why'd you give it to me?
Well, Beaver, I...
I guess I just forgot what it felt like
to be a little boy.
Maybe one day when you're in my shoes,
you won't make some of the same mistakes with your son.
Yeah, but if I grow up and have as dumb a kid as me,
it'd be hard not to want to belt him.
Oh, Beav.
You know what unconditional love is, Beaver?
Uh-uh.
It means that when you're a parent,
you love your children exactly the same, no matter if they get straight A's
or stuck in a giant coffee cup.
You understand?
Well, sure, I get it, Dad,
'cause that's the way I feel about you.
Oh, Beaver.
Thank you, son.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Let's get out of this steam bath. What do you say? Come on.
Hey, Dad. Yeah.
Now that we talked about all this junk,
do you think it'd be all right if I sort of went back to the team?
You don't have to play football, Beaver, or do anything you don't want to,
except take a bath.
It's just that next week the game's against Benton, and we're gonna get killed.
So all the parents will probably buy us pizza to make us feel better.
Come on. Up you go.
I got you.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
WARD: Go, Mayfield!
ANNOUNCER: Don't forget to visit the Mayfield Harvest Festival after the game.
Here we are. Look at this beautiful chocolate pie.
Look at that. You were last year's winner, weren't you? Good for you.
Come on, Stacy! GIRL: Coming, Judy.
BERT: Here we go.
Here you go.
Hey, this is good.
Hey, Kyle, could you get me a soda?
Oh, sure.
I'm a little short. You got a buck?
Be right back, babe.
KYLE: Hey, couple of sodas.
MAN: Sure thing.
Thanks, bud.
ANNOUNCER: Time-out, Mayfield, with 10 seconds left in the game.
KYLE: Hey, Karen!
Here's your soda. Thanks.
Hey, man, let's get some popcorn.
Yeah, but you better stay here.
You might see something that'll kill your appetite.
You wanna go to the festival?
Sure.
Cool. Yeah.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Mayfield is down to its final play, trailing Benton 24 to 20.
(CHUCKLES)
Hi, everybody.
If you're worried about us jumping all over you
for losing that game for us, forget it.
Yeah.
The coach said making fun of a guy is unsportsmanlike.
Thanks, guys.
Huddle up!
GIRLS: We are alive! Go!
So, what's the play?
Pass protection, 86 on "Go."
Ready!
PLAYERS: Break!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Come on! Go, Beaver!
Down!
Set!
Go! ALL: Go!
Look! There goes Beaver! Go, Beaver! Go!
(PANTING)
(GRUNTS)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Come on, Cleaver! Run!
Run, Beaver! Run!
Cleaver, run!
Come on, Beaver!
Run!
Oh, no! Wrong way!
ANNOUNCER: Cleaver's running the wrong way... Stop him!
...toward the Benton goal line!
Beaver!
Cleav!
My bike! Stop!
Come on! Come back here!
(GRUNTING)
Go!
Go! Go, Beaver!
Go, Cleaver! Go!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Touchdown!
Unbelievable! Cleaver scores! Mayfield wins!
(PANTING)
You want some fudge? Sure.
How about a brownie? KAREN: Okay.
Hey, bro. Give me back my bike!
(KYLE LAUGHING)
KYLE: Go, brother! Go!
What a loser family. Oh, yeah?
Nobody messes with my brother!
I'll be right back.
Here. You need a little bit of topping.
MAN 1: One hot dog with mustard. Here you go, sir.
WOMAN: Hey! Careful! MAN 2: Hey!
Whoa!
Not again!
(GASPS)
(LAUGHS)
Yes!
Gotcha!
All right, Beav!
Nice dress, Judy.
(BEAVER HUMMING)
Give it a rest, Beav.
You're gonna be so tired from polishing it, you won't be able to ride it.
Don't worry about that.
I figure it's a lot safer if I don't ride it anymore.
Come on, boys. Time for bed.
Beaver, this bike isn't going to stay up here forever, is it?
Oh, no, Mom. When I get married, I'll move it into my new house.
Well, good night, Wally.
Good night, Mom. Good night.
Good night, Beaver. Night, Wally.
Hey, maybe we can make an exception tonight about me giving you a kiss.
Yeah, Dad, I guess it wouldn't kill anybody.
Good night, Beaver. Good night.
Dad, even though I'm playing football,
it might still be okay for you to read to me now and then, wouldn't it?
Are you sure about that, Beaver?
I figure I'm not gonna be a little kid forever.
So we ought to do as much of this kind of junk while we still can.
"Now, Dottie the Dinosaur had never seen a human being before.
"Such a tiny creature who only walks on two legs and eats berries."
"'Couldn't be much of a hunter,' said Dottie.
"'I heard that,' Billy cried to the towering beast above him.
"'Could you speak up?' Dottie said. 'I can barely hear you down there.'
"Billy could hardly imagine what the next insult
"to come out of this long-necked, sharp-toothed, drooling beast would be.
"And as Billy started to walk away,
"a big leathery-fanged paw scooped him up and held him to its nose.
"But this time, in a quieter, sweeter voice, Dottie said,
"with what seemed like a tear running down her cheek..."
BEAVER: Hey, Dad, I really like the way you read to me.
WARD: Why, thank you, Beaver.
You wouldn't be sucking up again, would you, son?
Oh, no, Dad. It's still a while till Christmas.
"'Well, what did she look like?' Billy said."
(WARD CONTINUES READING)